


Insignia

by teiidae



Series: Nasturtium AU [4]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Disclaimer, M/M, Nasturtium AU, Wonderland, adventures are had and lessons are learned?, but it's not based in mental illness anything like that, can you still get high if you don't actually smoke the weed?, disclaimer: nobody actually does any drugs, haha xigbar is an old man, implied self harm, join my XigMar cult, marluxia voice: i ain't playing these games
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 05:08:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18403739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teiidae/pseuds/teiidae
Summary: It's taken far too long for Marluxia to teach Xigbar a lesson. Whether Xigbar remembers it happening or not hardly matters anymore with the beginnings of a coup on the horizon. When unconditional trust is given, but not received, sometimes it sucks to be the old man with an insatiable appetite.





	Insignia

“Hope you’re ready for an adventure, kiddo,” Xigbar proclaimed, chest puffed out and smile fiendish as he entered Marluxia’s room from a humming corridor of darkness. “Let’s get moving.”

Marluxia looked up from the book he’d been reading, his rather pensive expression swirling into one of impatience. Xigbar, once again, was interrupting him for some other nonsensical idea that he’d hatched in an effort to get under his skin. It wasn’t going to work today. Not today. Marluxia had already finished his assigned missions - even took a couple of auxiliary missions against his better judgment - and was taking the evening hours to relax before Saix was barking up his tree again to get him out in the morning.

He was in his loungewear now, exposing his usually hidden choice in casual clothing, as it was dangerous to expose personality traits that could be used as ammunition in future negotiations. Clothing choices, while sometimes innocuous, could very easily be traced back to the oft hidden, but very intense, desire to be human again. To pretend for just a moment that things were normal. Marluxia usually waited for obscenely late hours before he would even consider dressing down. This wasn’t the first time Xigbar had caught him, but with new rumors floating around the lessers, Marluxia would ensure that this would be the last.

Very soon, he was anticipating the first stage of his plans to spring into action. The coup d'etat that he had been carefully piecing together for what felt like an eternity. He was certain nobody knew what he was doing. So certain, he was willing to stake his life on it, but he had to keep stringing himself along like he was a good little lesser incapable of doing anything against the higher-ups. Xigbar was the primary concern. He was stupidly observant and Marluxia had a hard time getting anything past his critical eye.

He snapped his book shut and swung his legs out of bed, groaning his complaints as Xigbar watched him stretch.

“You need to stop breaking into my room,” Marluxia said. “I mean it. You have no concept of privacy and, frankly, it’s an unattractive habit.”

“As if. You know, you keep saying things like that, but you already know all you have to do is tell me to go fuck myself,” Xigbar replied cheekily. “And I will go do just that. You like to pick on me because I’m so handsome. Go ahead, admit it.”

A pink flush bloomed against Marluxia’s cheeks. “Don’t put words in my mouth, you’ll convince yourself of something that isn’t true.”

“I’m just teasin’, goodness, what’s got you so bent out of shape?” Xigbar crossed the room and threw Marluxia’s curtains open, revealing a fuller, though still incomplete Kingdom Hearts. “It looks about day time to me. Rise and shine, Peaches. No time to waste.”

Marluxia took a deep breath through his nostrils, though didn’t argue. Now was not the time, and if Xigbar was trying to get him to go somewhere, Marluxia would fair better if he just went along with it. He could drag his feet, not give in, and spite Xigbar all he wanted, but they both knew that the game would be over faster if Marluxia just played it.

This was another programmed response in the face of higher-ups. Even though Xigbar liked to pretend they were equals, Marluxia was keenly aware that they were not in the slightest, though it troubled him that he wasn’t sure why. Surely this was another attempt at his memories trying to conjure something for him to feel. It was well established that he could not feel because he did not have a heart. Nobodies didn’t have hearts.

“Will you ever just get to the point, Xigbar?” Marluxia asked. “Be cryptic and tell me to get moving, or whatever it is that you’re doing right now, but, ultimately, just tell me what you want instead of going through your overrated comedy bit?”

“Nope!”

At least he was being honest. Marluxia took another, deeper breath through his nostrils and set to getting dressed. He peeled his casual clothing off, folding it neatly and placing it in his drawer and he exchanged it for a more form-fitting shirt made of breathable fabric. He was far too tired for this. He, honestly, wasn’t in the mood for dealing with Xigbar. Any day now, the window of opportunity was going to open and then immediately slam shut. Nobody was going to get in the way of this. Not even Xigbar.

“Aw man, you continue to be absolutely no fun at all,” Xigbar continued as Marluxia slowly dressed. “You’re not excited to hang out with your favorite mentor? For shame.”

Marluxia stiffened, the smell of dying flowers wafting off of him. “You have never, not once, ever showed me that you are a capable teacher. You have never acted as one, and I would hardly consider you able to do anything other than be an infuriating pain in the ass.”

Xigbar smirked. “Wow, tell me how you really feel.”

“Get to the point, Xigbar, I’m busy,” Marluxia replied. “We have a meeting tomorrow and I don’t want to deal with Saix breathing down my neck again. You can do whatever you want, but I’m the one who has to deal with the consequences of your foolish actions.”

Xigbar shrugged, clearly unimpressed with Marluxia’s attempts to deflect. They stood in silence for a few more moments as Marluxia finished pulling his standard issue black coat over his tight shoulders. As soon as he zipped it up, Xigbar threw his hand out and another inky black corridor opened up. Marluxia didn’t need to be told what was expected of him, so he stepped through the portal and into another world, leaving his serene bedroom in favor of tall hedges and a darkened sky.

Wonderland was an odd choice, especially because he’d quite literally just finished a series of missions on this very world.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Xigbar whispered.

Marluxia nearly jumped with that voice so close. He hadn’t even heard Xigbar step through the portal, let alone get within whispering distance. If he had actually flinched, Xigbar didn’t point it out, though Marluxia suspected that perhaps he was just psyching himself out. Xigbar would never be lenient with him if he showed vulnerability. This was one of the few lessons that Marluxia had learned the hard way.

Nevermind that he had also just been intimate with Xigbar, exposing that vulnerability that he was always punished for. Always.

“Pray tell, Xigbar,” Marluxia said, turning so he was nearly nose to nose with the other. “What could I possibly be thinking right now?”

“Peaches, you really gotta start giving me more credit. You're thinking ‘Am I being punished?’.” Xigbar smiled, his eyebrows arched in waiting. “It’s okay to admit that I’m right. The look on your face says it all.”

Marluxia remained as indifferent as he could, schooling himself into disinterest, though internally, his gears began to spin wildly. Xigbar was already pulling every single thread and jabbing every button and it hadn’t even been a full minute into their perverted game. Xigbar raised an eyebrow further, a taunting gesture, but he soon poked his tongue out.

“I’m just teasing you, will you relax?” Xigbar sidestepped Marluxia and gestured out to the hedges. “I was hoping you’d join me for tea. You like that sort of smarmy bullshit, right?”

Marluxia narrowed his eyes, a toxic cerulean under the guise of tepid indifference. Xigbar had not barged in on him like this for tea and they both knew it. “What you call smarmy bullshit could easily be described as having a personality. I was under the assumption that humans had interests and hobbies. I don’t see any reason to let those habits go if we’re striving to recomplete ourselves.”

Xigbar, who had made his way to the entrance of a fanciful hedge maze, paused. Marluxia was right only on a technicality, but he hadn’t been prepared for the feeling that welled in his chest. It had been an agonizingly long time since he last thought about arbitrary things like hobbies. Real ones. And it didn’t help that he was supposed to be keeping up appearances. Just like Marluxia had to be reprimanded for breaking the facade, Xigbar had to shy away from anything that disrupted the illusion. Xemnas was already letting him get away with a lot.

“Quit breaking my balls, will ya?” Xigbar finally said. “Look, if you hang out with me, Saix won’t bother you about meetings and missions and all that. I know how to push his buttons far more than yours. Trust me. You won’t want to miss this.” He peeked over his shoulder to see that Marluxia was still following him. “And I’ll make sure your absence - not that it’ll come to that - is well explained. Cross my heart.”

Marluxia stared unblinkingly at him.

“Geez, you really need to lighten up. Can’t you tell I’m flirting with you?”

Marluxia sighed. “No, I can't. Flirting is something humans do to show interest in relationships. We're incapable of love.” His tone tapered off at the end.

“But?”

Marluxia’s scowl finally - _finally_ \- broke into a reluctant and fleeting smile. One that vanished as soon as he realized he had done it. “But, I suppose if it spares me a single lecture, I will humor you for now.”

“How long do you think I have to work to get you to lighten up a bit more?” Xigbar asked, flashing an innocent smile and batting his eyelashes. “Maybe even flirt back?”

“Don’t push your luck,” Marluxia retorted, though when Xigbar turned his back to him again, he allowed another smile. This one more genuine than the last. A lance of warmth fluttered through the empty cavity of his chest.

Xigbar snickered and disappeared into the hedge maze. The hedges rose up to a nearly imperceptible height and ended in a canopy of wide leaves that grew denser the longer they wandered through the foliage. Marluxia kept his attention on Xigbar, watching his movements and trying to figure out why, of all places, Xigbar had brought him to Wonderland specifically. Xigbar rarely ever showed that he even left The World That Never Was, let alone went to places with such harmless denizens.

Mostly harmless.

This wasn't about tea.

The air grew stiff, stale, and it wrapped around the two of them, remnants of darkness that had yet to reform. After all, Marluxia had been here not too long ago to dispose of Heartless who were gaining too much strength. It wasn’t a glamorous job, but it had to be done. The populations had to be controlled until Xemnas found a Keyblade wielder to remove the trapped hearts entirely. At least, that was what Marluxia believed the missions to be for. Organization XIII wasn’t exactly complete with only twelve members. And Xemnas often rambled during meetings under the budding Kingdom Hearts.

“You feel that?” Xigbar said. His voice had become deathly quiet and he shrank into the hedge wall, halfway concealing himself as the darkness began to ripple and the leaves poked him uncomfortably. “Something’s a little off here, don’t you think? Xemnas asked me to check up on it. Thought that maybe you didn’t do your job. Which is ridiculous if you ask me. Not _my_ trainee, I said.”

“Get to the point, Xigbar.” Marluxia said for what felt like the thousandth time as he also pressed himself into the hedge leaves, though the leaves tickled him gently as opposed to pricking him. As it should have been. They began to grow longer and more gnarled as they pressed against him.

“Doesn’t something feel weird about this darkness?” Xigbar asked. “Something, you know, off. Strange. Unusual. Uh, preternatural?”

Marluxia, though keeping his eyes on Xigbar, focused on the sensation. This was, indeed, an odd feeling. A drafty swathe of mist crept along the plantlife, mindless even though it seemed to drift with purpose. It kept trying to worm through the hedges, though it was incapable of passing through despite there being more than enough room for vapor to glide by.

More of the mist coalesced around the initial wisp until it formed an appendage. A tiny little amorphous hand that clung to the leaves and branches and left a sticky black substance in its wake. It skittered around, climbing up and down the hedge walls, growing smaller and smaller until it returned to its gaseous form.

Marluxia was interested and stopped glancing at Xigbar to observe it closer. Heartless certainly did not move like this normally, and this was nothing like the creatures Marluxia had disposed of when he was wandering through Wonderland the last time. This was new. Much more sinister now that more and more wisps were trying to gather.

“This isn’t the same Heartless I killed last time,” Marluxia murmured. “Xigbar, what did you bring me here for?”

“Mostly tea.”

Marluxia blinked and drew his energies closer, ripping the life from the hedge walls as the plants wilted and crumbled instantly around him. Even the grass under his feet had browned and faded. Xigbar danced out of the spreading circle of death.

“Mostly?” Marluxia snarled. “Mostly, but only after I prove myself to you - again - right? Only after I make it clear that I’m perfectly capable of defending myself? That you’re the one with all the leverage?”

“Whoa, calm down there, kiddo, it’s not that serious.” Xigbar immediately dropped his childish and whimsical tone in favor of one he hoped was convincing enough to get Marluxia to stop jumping to conclusions. “Look, I thought I made it clear that we’re on the same side even if it doesn’t look like it. Maybe I forgot to mention it. Oopsie.”

Marluxia bristled, the circle of death growing even more. Xigbar continued to stay outside of the ring. “I don’t want to do this anymore. If you’re going to punish me for letting my ghost memories get the better of me, then just do it. You don’t have to constantly remind me of what I already know. And I don’t need to be dragged through the mud to get the idea. I’m smart, Xigbar. I can figure it out.”

“That’s your problem,” Xigbar replied. “You’re too damn smart. You’re too smart to let yourself be condemned and you’re sure as hell are too smart to let me be the one to do it.”

Silence.

“I’m asking you, nicely mind you, to not do what you’re about to do.”

Marluxia was at a loss for words. How the fuck did Xigbar know? He couldn’t have. Marluxia had kept his nose to the grindstone from the moment he’d overcome his lethargic grace period and never once strayed from Xemnas’s demands. Not once. A bad attitude while coming to terms with not feeling wasn’t unusual and Marluxia had snapped from it the second he’d been punished for it.

Flaunted insubordination wasn’t his style. He was too smart for that.

He was also painfully aware that Xigbar was drilling into him. That garish yellow eye was looking right through him, and Marluxia could barely keep his threads together. Something was deeply wrong with the way Xigbar studied him. He seemed almost desperate for a response. Marluxia returned the studious look, taking a deep breath and pinching the bridge of his nose. Xigbar was trying to get something out of him.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said finally. “What do you think I'm about to do? My job?”

“You know you were selected for Xemnas’s little pet project, right?” Xigbar said. “A trip to another castle. Castle Oblivion. You know that, right?”

“Yes, I’ve been briefed.” Marluxia appeared flat. Not particularly interested in being told what he already knew. Xigbar was testing him. Pushing him to give up something that would give away his position. Xigbar didn’t know a single thing. This was about trying to find something useful. It had to be. “That's not for a while, though. Not until we have a thirteenth member. Shouldn't you know that already?”

Xigbar straightened and took a few more steps back. He had to entice Marluxia with information, it was the only way he was going to get those chains around his neck again. He was running wild, and he’d almost let it happen. Again. Because he was curious. Mostly.

“Look, I know you,” Xigbar said. “A lot better than you think I do. You’re very proud and you think you’re unstoppable and you are, don’t get me wrong. But you also have this habit of not fucking listening to me when I tell you something.”

“I don’t really need to listen to you, do I?” The circle of death stopped spreading. “You have yet to give me a single reason to trust your intentions. You claim to know me so well, but you fail every single time to gain my trust. Every time. I don’t know what you want right now and it’s fine. I don’t need to know. But I do know that your desire to control me has reached a level of desperation I have not seen in you yet.

“Whatever it is is killing you. I’m watching you collapse on yourself and it is equal parts interesting and pathetic.”

Xigbar frowned. This motherfucking pain in the fucking ass. “I’m an old man, give me a break.”

“What did you bring me here for?” Marluxia asked again, his voice devoid of any falsified emotion. “Was it on Xemnas’s order?”

Xigbar tensed, but the stress in his muscles uncurled and he held his hands up in what he hoped was a submissive gesture. Marluxia was so hard on him these days. Unrelenting in his questioning. So dangerous. “You caught me. I’m supposed to be pushing you to your extreme today. Hooray! You figured it out.”

“I’m tired, Xigbar.”

“I don’t like it any more than you do, kiddo,” Xigbar replied. “I’m not really the limit pushing type. I’m, you know, recon. Sometimes I get to escort the laziest bunch to bastard jury duty. Don’t envy me.”

Marluxia returned his attention to the hedge walls, which were noticeably coated with the same black substance, though with a glossier purple sheen to it. The amorphous appendage was gone. Perhaps it was trying to find more of itself so it could reform.

Xigbar watched Marluxia assessing the situation from his peripheral vision. The Heartless was trying to pull itself together again, but it was taking parts that didn't belong to it in the process. Xemnas had suspected that it was only a matter of time before a mutation would occur and while Xigbar was more than able and willing to move this Heartless mass to another world, he wanted to corner Marluxia and perhaps do two things while he was certain Xemnas wasn't watching. Living worlds were the only places outside of Castle Oblivion itself that could mask them well enough to let their natural bodies heal and connect.

Except Marluxia was such a thorn in his side. Couldn't tell when alliances were being made. He was too absorbed in himself and his own plans. It was hard to suppress panic when it linked across time and space. The things he did to keep himself in good company.

“Notice anything yet?” Xigbar asked impatiently, digging a finger in his ear. “I know recon isn't your thing really but I wanna make sure you aren't losing your edge.” He paused, grimacing when Marluxia shot him a venomous - and stunning - look. “I just want to make sure you haven't lost your touch. Geez, stop looking at me like that.”

Marluxia snorted. “It's not the Heartless I shredded a few days ago. It looks like it has a few extra pieces it picked up from the ones I _did_ though. I haven't seen anything like that before.”

_A mutation?_

Xigbar grinned. “Good job. And what do you think needs to be done with it?”

Marluxia’s attention darted around as he quietly and carefully explored his surroundings.

The hedges were damaged in more than just the physical sense. There was a general malaise that wafted about the plantlife itself. It was disgustingly quiet, the soulful voices of the native denizens snuffed out. They had either been destroyed or corrupted. Maybe even absorbed into the mutant Heartless as it was pulling itself together. Most peculiar were the normally vibrant red and white roses that had been sapped of their life, leaving a dull black that almost blended into the rest of the hedge maze completely.

This sort of destruction leached from the very life source that gave Wonderland its unique aura. Its very own personality. And if the plantlife was this morose, then it was only a matter of time before the more sentient beings were consumed or contaminated.

Usually, when assigned missions to different worlds, both Xemnas and Saix made it a point to remind the lessers to leave the rest of the world as unharmed as possible. Stay out of sight. Don’t let the bulk of the population know you’ve been there. Go in, do the mission, get out. Leave nothing behind that wouldn’t naturally occur, even if it took a little more thought on the part of the native denizens to understand their new reality.

Though Xemnas claimed to want the Heartless destroyed by any means necessary, there were heavy penalties for those who made too much of a fuss or left huge paths of destruction in the parts of the world where “strange things” had been happening before. The idea behind it lay in not alerting the few Keyblade Masters that still drifted around. It was a bit of a joke that that was the reason Saix didn’t go on missions. Because he was too destructive.

Whatever form the Heartless took couldn’t stay here, though. It would upset the balance that Marluxia and the rest of the Organization took great care to uphold while they were working in the background.

Then it dawned on him.

Surely, Xigbar couldn’t be suggesting that the Heartless needed to be moved by them specifically. That was a massive undertaking. They were mindless creatures with only the primal hunger for hearts driving them forward. If they didn’t have a heart to lure them anywhere, then attempting to move a Heartless of this design was an incredibly dangerous task.

After all, just as Nobodies could destroy Heartless, so too could Heartless destroy Nobodies. The relationship between them was often complicated despite only a handful of Nobodies having the ability to think critically and understand nuance. And if this was a Heartless that was gathering parts from other Heartless, there was no telling what they would be faced with until they found the completed creature.

It being in the depths of a labyrinth didn’t make it any easier. In fact, it was significantly more difficult to find now. It was a dreadful and terrible assignment, but Marluxia found himself almost excited by the idea of seeking out a Heartless never seen before. It filled him with a bastardized sense of purpose. Like he was contributing to something.

And, like a puff of smoke, that excitement vanished from his eyes.

Likely to never resurface again.

Xigbar caught it, but just barely. As soon as he saw that spark of curiosity, though, he pounced, putting on that jovial smile once more and throwing an arm around Marluxia’s shoulders.

“Hey, it’s okay to be curious, you know,” he said. “What’s that saying?”

“Curiosity killed the cat,” Marluxia replied, voice empty.

“And satisfaction brought it back. You get the idea.” Xigbar pressed himself into Marluxia’s side, tightening the grip he had. “Look, it’s not as hard as it appears to be. We find the little bastard, lure him out of his hole, and flush him through a corridor into another world. It’s really easy”

“You say that, but you still pulled me into this.”

“Relax, ‘Loosh, you still get something out of this. Live a little, will ya? It’s not ever as serious as you think it is.”

“Should that be _your_ nickname, ‘Loosh?” Marluxia froze. _Why did he just say that?_

Xigbar felt Marluxia’s shoulders knit together and grow very still. The desire to give him space to lash out was intense. Was this going to be the thing he’d been looking for? His eye glinted eagerly. Though, he realized sadly and almost instantly, that no, it was not, and that the best thing to do now was to pretend he hadn’t heard a thing.

“We’re burning daylight, Peaches,” Xigbar whispered. “Let’s get going. That Heartless isn’t gonna move itself, now is it?”

“I suppose that’s the point, isn’t it?” Marluxia shrugged Xigbar’s arm off his shoulders before heading deeper into the labyrinth. He ran his fingers through his petal pink hair to get it out of his face so he could focus. He sorely wished he had something to tie it back.

The hedge’s walls were still so impossibly tall, though the leafy greens of the entrance quickly receded in favor of a more whimsical and dark looking blue. The previously dense brown branches lightened into a creamy white and the canopy opened up into a still intense black, but starry, night sky.

It was beautiful for all that meant anymore.

Marluxia remained focused, however, as the grass crunched underfoot, stiff and brittle under their boots. Xigbar was imperceptibly silent, gliding along beside Marluxia, stealing whatever glances he could. It was getting more and more difficult to catch the other man off guard. Xigbar almost begged for meetings to get them all in the same room so he could observe uninterrupted. It robbed the wind from his lungs and made his cheeks stiffen in concentration to not, under any circumstances, allow others to notice how desperate he actually was.

It annoyed him that he couldn’t have everything that he wanted at the same time. He cursed the throbbing muscle in his chest sometimes. Always distracting him from what was truly important because it was constantly pointing him towards the things that were truly important. He’d say it a thousand times if he had to.

Hearts were so bothersome.

“We’re getting closer,” Marluxia muttered. A stream of flexible flower petals billowed out from underneath his coat as he spoke, bringing with it a fragrant aroma. It smelled sweet. Soft. “Be on guard.”

Xigbar averted his eye before Marluxia grabbed his attention. “Yes, sir. Anything you say, sir.” He lazily saluted.

“Need I remind you that you were the one who brought me here?” Marluxia growled. “At least pretend that you didn’t expect me to be exactly like this.”

“What?” Xigbar covered his mouth in feigned surprise. “You mean, you do your job _and_ are a pain in the ass about it? I was just admiring your leadership skills. Astounding. Incredible. Unexpected character development.”

Marluxia rolled his eyes. “You’re a better liar than that,”

“You really are something else,” Xigbar replied. “Still waiting for something? Punishment? I told you before. We’re on the same side.”

The doubt surfaced and vanished so quickly that Xigbar has almost missed it. It was promising to say the least. At least some of what he was attempting to do was panning out, though, as per usual, Marluxia was making it such a monumentally difficult task to achieve. Xigbar was looking for one spark. Anything that could be used later. Anything.

But what he wanted most of all was innocence.

Or an alibi. That would work too.

“I’m waiting for you to tell me why you really brought me here. If not to test me, then for what?”

Xigbar hummed. “I said mostly tea, didn’t I?”

“That’s not what it is.”

“You’re really hung up on this, aren’t you?”

“I know you’re lying to me. You’re always lying to me.”

“Not this time, Peaches.”

“I’m not going to let it go.”

“Because you’re paranoid?”

“Because I know you.”

“Keep telling yourself that. It’s really cute.”

Marluxia flushed. Xigbar was so irritating and he knew it. Flaunted it even. This irritation grew to annoyance and evaporated before being replaced by a subtler form of...almost teasing pleasure. This felt familiar. This song and dance. Not all the notes were there, but some were and Marluxia found himself backing down from combat as Marluxia and stepping in as someone else entirely.

“Oh, but I do know you,” Marluxia said, his voice more genial. “You’re so focused on yourself that you forget other people are supposed to be at play here. You know, that vulnerability that you are always making fun of me about? You keep forgetting that you were human too once. Maybe it’s been too long for you.”

Xigbar’s innards churned to a standstill. The softness of Marluxia’s voice disarmed him. Suddenly, he was entrenched in the memory of being balls deep in the other. Listening for that sweet voice. Cherishing it because Marluxia couldn’t see his face. Marluxia couldn’t feel that connection in any meaningful way.

The ache of familiarity washed over him again, seeping into the cracks that he had spent decades filling with anything that could push him closer to his own goals. To Xemnas’s goals. To a higher being’s goals. He couldn’t remember. He couldn’t remember things that hurt while Marluxia still looked at him with that blank expression. He had to stay forgetful lest he make the same mistake he had before.

Never close. Never too close. Never stay.

The snarls of flower petals grew overwhelming as a mist filtered between the two of them. Xigbar blinked, reaching his hand out, the heaviness of metal greeting his palms as Sharpshooter divided space to serve him. The tips glowed an incandescent blue, mirrored by the white branches hidden in the leaves of the hedge maze. If he just shot Marluxia point blank, Marluxia would go back to being human. Back to that forbidden 'L’ word. The one he couldn't have. Marluxia looked so beautiful framed by the density of nature. Xigbar welcomed it. Adored that beauty, even as it was blotted by darkness.

Even when those radiant blue eyes swirled into alarm and then into vicious treachery.

Even when he was enveloped and sliced by malevolent pink energy.

“Xigbar!” Marluxia shouted, voice strained. “Move!”

Xigbar returned to his senses, looking at his empty hands as he squashed that murderous alarm deep into his psyche where it couldn’t affect him. Marluxia was wrapped tightly in grotesque appendages. The ripple of glowering Heartless eyes and emblems dotted the appendages and moved freely through the amorphous figure. Marluxia cast out a stream of dark pink flower petals that bundled together and glowed a deep red before releasing bursts of energy. The appendage flung Marluxia around as it writhed in pain and Marluxia ground his teeth with the effort to free himself.

He landed in the grass in a heap, more petals peeling off his skin as he rolled to dodge from the thrashing bodies. All the while Xigbar was standing there with an empty look scrawled across his face.

Marluxia scrambled to his feet hurriedly, pumping more energy through the bulbs to cleave through the approaching Heartless mass. What even was this thing? The deep green of Graceful Dahlia’s snath appeared in Marluxia’s hand and instantly, he began to move, jumping over the hordes of aimless Heartless parts and slicing through them with the efficiency of a man who had been doing this for a long time. His grunts were met with the dispelling of darkness, though the mist reformed much faster while egged on by the swirling mass.

“Xigbar!” Marluxia called again. “Pay attention!”

Xigbar took a deep breath. Wonderland was such an unusual place. He’d hoped that he didn’t say anything out of line while he was hallucinating. Had he even been hallucinating? How much of that conversation was just in his own head?

“Hey now, Peaches,” Xigbar replied, voice concealing the uneasiness in his expression. “You look like you have everything handled. As expected. You should be proud.”

Marluxia frowned deeply as Xigbar warped away in a rend of space. The Heartless horde stretched the width of the hedges, blocking their path. It seemed like they had been walking along the maze before they were ambushed. Yes, Xigbar reasoned, that was what had happened. They’d been ambushed. They didn’t walk into a trap because he wasn’t paying attention. Marluxia wasn’t dealing with the Heartless horde alone because he hadn’t been paying attention. This was all a part of...a test.

But that would make him a liar. Again. This would make him backpedal to cover his ass where it mattered. Again. This would make Marluxia wander farther and farther away from him. Again.

Again.

Xigbar settled in his hiding spot, the curled leaves of the hedge’s canopy knotting in his hair. Sharpshooter filtered into his hands and he connected the two smaller weapons as quietly as he could, peering through the scope as he determined what exactly he was going to do when the horde had been moved. Marluxia was going to get on his case. Maybe?

He’d have every right to.

But that conversation hadn’t been real. It was that madness that Wonderland was known for. Lots of strange things manifested in the mazes. He wasn’t obsessed. He didn’t covet Marluxia. That was impossible. He was a Nobody! Nobodies didn’t feel! Nobodies didn’t feel.

Nobodies didn’t feel...

Below, Marluxia remained steadfast in his onslaught. Without Xigbar there, he doubled his efforts to stay on top of the horde, taking great care to section it off as the hedge walls grew rapidly to buffet the horde and prevent its advancement. Several of the bulging yellow eyes were gouged by the impeding hedges. If Heartless could bleed, there likely would have been pools of blood smeared all across the grass and foliage. Marluxia grit his teeth.

By now, he knew Xigbar well enough to know that no matter how alone he appeared, he was not. Xigbar was hiding. For what reason was anyone’s guess, however, Marluxia had to focus on what was directly in front of him. The darkness of the hedges would only hold off the horde for so long. He deployed more petals and they gathered into furled tubes pinched at the stem. The bursts of energy gathered within the bulb, preparing to release when the hedge wall broke.

“Stay patient, Peaches,” Xigbar whispered as he, too, began to gather energy. He was going to vaporize the horde and then open a portal to the target world. In theory, the mismatched pieces were supposed to reform correctly in a more open space. Divide all the condensed Heartless into their proper pieces. “I'm not going to leave you. Stay patient.”

Marluxia backed himself into another hedge wall, Graceful Dahlia held at the ready. Through the scope, Xigbar watched a series of thoughts flash across his features, ranging from annoyance to...fear? Marluxia must have thought he'd been abandoned.

The energy gathered more. Burning hot in the pits. More. They both needed more to make this work. More energy. More trust. Xigbar sighed deeply. Of course.

Marluxia spread more of his magic into the hedge wall, bolstering the strength of the branches and leaves. The air grew thick with humidity, weighing the horde down. The focus in Marluxia's eyes bore holes into the formidable and teeming mass that bled through the hedges. The bulbs burned white with the pent up magic and Marluxia gave the last few dredges of his magical reserve to wrap himself in a thick layer of blossom petals.

The horde broke through, many arms grasping the hedges and dragging itself forward at a breakneck speed. Marluxia was engulfed in the mass, the threads of his magic snapping against his muscles. The bulbs released the white hot energy in bulky darts that ripped into the horde sloppily. Xigbar curled his finger around the trigger, shaking with concentration. There was a brief flash of white light and all at once, the built-up energy zoomed from his perch deep in the canopy into the heart of the mass. Xigbar drained an enormous portion of his own magical reserve to scorch through the Heartless with a thick beam of light focused to a deadly temperature.

Marluxia broke free from the horde again, though the wave of inky darkness splashed against his skin, acidic in feeling as a corridor of darkness ripped open and the liquified horde was sucked in. Marluxia threw his hand out, digging Graceful Dahlia into the walls. He couldn't warp out himself or he'd risk taking some of the horde with him. He had to take the brunt of the swipes and nibbles that the partial Heartless took out of his body. His shoulders burned with the tension needed to cling to the smooth metal of his weapon.

Like a branch in a windstorm, when the horde was gone - ejected from Wonderland - he sank into the grass. The tide of the horde disappeared and the suction from the portal equalized. The portal returned to its gentle hum and subtle shifting. Marluxia steeled himself, his breathing labored. Was that the sort of Heartless Xigbar had to deal with regularly?

In an instant, Xigbar was back on the ground, hand extended, fingers directly in Marluxia's face. Marluxia took the hand hesitantly and Xigbar pulled him to his feet.

“Not bad for your first time,” Xigbar said. “Not gonna lie, I expected you to portal your way out of the tide.”

“And risk bringing some of that with me?” Marluxia looked almost offended. “Not on your life.”

Maybe Xigbar didn't know Marluxia that well after all.

“Now what?” Marluxia continued, brushing his coat clear of grass and debris. “Is it just supposed to sort itself out on the new world? That seems impractical. If two experienced combatants could barely deal with it, how can a brand new Keyblade wielder be expected to deal with that and survive?”

“What?” Xigbar replied. “We didn't have trouble with that. You're kidding, right?”

“You were distracted.”

“As if!”

Marluxia's eyes, though void of malice, were set on Xigbar's. Blue to gold. “You were. Don't lie to me.”

Xigbar found himself in difficult water. It was rising to his knees and all he had to do to stem the flow was do exactly as Marluxia had directed. Why couldn't he just let himself dive into the inevitable? Why couldn't he just let himself feel?

He knew why. Even when he ignored it.

“I...wanted to talk to you about...things.”

Marluxia nearly laughed. Xigbar saw the fleeting softness and the crinkles in the corners of his eyes. Genuine laughter snuffed before it had the chance to flourish properly. Strangled because of what he had allowed to happen.

Xigbar grimaced. “Hey, I'm being serious.”

“Okay?” Marluxia huffed. “Then get on with it.”

Xigbar opened his mouth in response, though the words were cut before he could formulate them properly. Marluxia jolted as a spiky limb pierced through his chest and dragged him back. Xigbar's entire body lit up with alarm and he reached for Marluxia's hand, which burst into flower petals as the last of Marluxia's magic drained from his body.

A doppelganger.

_He hadn't noticed?_

“You sneaky, clever little shit,” Xigbar growled.

The portal closed.

 

\---

 

There was a knock at the door. A gentle rapping of bare knuckles against a featureless white. Marluxia blinked up from his book with just a few more pages to go. He snapped the book shut and swung his legs out of bed, making his way to the door and cracking it so only a single eye was visible.

Xigbar stood on the other side, looking uncharacteristically sheepish. “I get it, alright? I won't do it again.”

Marluxia exhaled sharply through his nostrils. “I waste too much energy on you.”

Xigbar's cheeks reddened just a bit and he averted his eye. “Can I come in?”

Marluxia blinked slowly. “Stay right here until I'm done.”

Xigbar didn't get the chance to respond before the door was closed in his face. This whole time he hadn't noticed that Marluxia had deployed a doppelganger to deal with him. For hours, he had been talking to a pile of flower petals and he had been none the wiser. He was such a stupid old man. Especially when he knew that Marluxia was more than capable of maintaining multiples of these flowery shells. He really didn't give Marluxia enough credit. That smart little shit.

He’d probably gotten a good laugh out of it as well. He’d earned it.

The message was clear.

The door opened again, wider this time. Marluxia was still dressed in his loungewear, and he had tied his hair back messily to keep strands of pink out of his eyes. Xigbar was captivated. Marluxia was so beautiful and the roots of lust dug into his skin once more. He could reach out and take that if he wanted.

Actually...he couldn't. Marluxia had just made that explicitly clear to him. Had he learned nothing? He could only do so with permission.

“Come in,” Marluxia muttered. Xigbar hesitated. “I'm not going to give you another opportunity.”

Xigbar stepped in quietly and Marluxia closed the door behind him. Marluxia's room was the same as usual. Blank white and grey walls, drawn curtains, a table, a desk, a chair. All arranged as it had been the day he arrived. Nothing was out of place. The bed was neatly made even though Xigbar was certain Marluxia had been lounging across it for hours.

“What do you want?” Marluxia asked, arms folded.

“How much of, you know, that mission are you aware of?”

Marluxia narrowed his eyes in thought, lips tightly pursed. Xigbar grew stilted the longer he took to answer. “Enough.”

“Then you know what I'm here for.”

Marluxia's lips twitched. “I cannot trust you. You haven't earned it yet, Xigbar, and at this point? I don't think you can. You're too flighty and you don't bother with formalities unless it serves whatever it is you actually have going on.”

“I want to earn your trust.” That was all he could muster and when Marluxia's eyes didn't change, Xigbar's heart fluttered in panic. Panic he promptly squashed down again.

“That is not how it works,” Marluxia replied. “You don't always get what you want just because you say you want it. You know better than that.”

Xigbar took a meager step forward, willing his hands to stay down. He couldn't grab Marluxia. He couldn't take this man and keep him from running off. Not in the same way at least. He had to temper himself. Keep himself from losing that expert - _normally expert_ \- control he had over his emotions.

To him, it wasn't a matter of want. It was a matter of _need_ . He needed Marluxia's trust. If that was what allowed him access to everything Marluxia was and could be. Everything he had been. Everything he could have been. Xigbar needed that trust. He _needed_ it. Above everything else.

“I trust you’” Xigbar whispered. “I trust you even though I know you're going to do something inconceivable. I know you're not going to listen to me. I know you're going to do what you want because that is who you are.”

“Xigbar--”

“Let me finish.” Xigbar snapped. He immediately softened. “Please?”

Marluxia sighed and relaxed, unvoiced permission.

“Let me show you that I trust you.”

Marluxia remained still, uncertainty written across his brow, eyes betraying his fear. Xigbar ignored it because he had to. He had to ignore it because if he acknowledged it, Xemnas would know. He lowered his gaze and pulled his gloves off, palms out.

_Please._

Marluxia drew himself closer. Internally, his mind was hard at work trying to determine what, if anything, was actually happening. He suppressed those fleeting moments of emotion. This was so familiar. So ingrained in him, laced through his muscles and skin in a way that he couldn't recall. That curiosity burned out instantly. This was another test. An elaborate ruse meant to lower his guard. Not this time. Never again.

It was too dangerous.

But he was so curious. So very curious and he wanted to know what Xigbar was about to do. This was unlike him. Just like the last time they had curled into each other.

So Marluxia forced himself to relax more, forced himself to lower his arms and smooth his terse expression. He offered a half-lidded stare as if to illustrate that Xigbar had a finite amount of time to get to the point.

Xigbar dropped his gloves to the floor and unzipped his coat, letting it crumple around his boots, all the while, trembling with the effort to stay in control of himself. He didn't like this. It was far too late for him to even attempt to make amends but he had to do something even if it ultimately led to nothing. Even if it led to sex before he disappeared again.

Again.

He hooked his fingers under his shirt and peeled that off as well and Marluxia nearly stopped him there. If this was about sex, he didn't want it. Not right now. Not when he had to deal with his own plans and stay on top of his coup. Larxene would kill him before he even had the chance to prepare for it.

“You know that Nobodies aren't indestructible, right? The Dusks have that marking on their head. All Nobodies have one. All of them.”

“I'm aware of our brand…”

“It serves two purposes,” Xigbar continued. “One, it marks us for what we are. Nobodies. Nothingness made physical. A shell of our former selves. And two, it is our softest and weakest point. One good hit and we're done for. Unraveled at the seams.

“Ever wonder why we keep it hidden? You can hide it, you know. Even if you aren't consciously thinking about it. It’s actually harder to force it out than you might think.”

Marluxia tensed. Was this a threat? Xigbar, still not looking directly at Marluxia, pushed the waistband of his pants down little by little until a clear series of scarred cuts were fully exposed. They crossed each other sporadically, jagged and self-inflicted. Wounds upon his own flesh.

“I tried once to see if I could get rid of it. Peel it off. No way _I_ have something so obviously detrimental on my body. Hurt like a motherfucker. Never did it again, but I still have the scars. This. This is my weakest point. This is my vulnerability. As close as I can get.”

There was a period of silence as Marluxia realized the weight if the information he had just been given. Here, in his bedroom, Xigbar stood across from him with a pale grey insignia plastered on his hip. A faintly glowing symbol that would absolutely destroy him if shown to an enemy.

Marluxia was drawn to it, all previous hostility cast away in favor of a gentle eye and an even gentler hand. He had to touch it. He had to feel what Xigbar's weakest point felt like with his own hands. Bask in this vulnerability presented so willingly. He didn't want to admit that he was charmed, perhaps a little turned on, but he was. Xigbar was either very very smart or very very stupid.

His hands, though strong in their own respects, were still very considerate in motion. With reddened palms that betrayed what lay just under the surface. Marluxia approached Xigbar with curiosity alight in his eyes. They were focused entirely on the faded grey against the rough tan. It looked tender. Even the scars were a dark grey and so unlike the rest of Xigbar's skin.

Marluxia rested a hand on Xigbar's hip. He hadn't expected just how smooth this spot actually was. The scars were merely discoloration. Previously sustained damage that had long since healed over but retained the warmth of weakness. Even without applying any real pressure, Xigbar's body reacted to what it perceived as a threat to its sturdiness. Marluxia did not back down, though, and he took a long finger and traced the edge of where the skin became rough. Xigbar began to sweat and he swallowed his sins to keep that symbol glowing against his flesh. It did not go unrewarded.

As Marluxia inspected him, Xigbar felt his temperature rising even higher. He'd fucked up. He'd exposed the single most important and vulnerable part of himself to a man who was incapable of mercy when it came down to it. More than anything, he wanted to believe that Marluxia was coming back around to his humanity. Growing enough of a heart so they could continue their dance. Continue the relationship they had been struggling to draw lines for for eons.

Those blue eyes were so mesmerizing. So dazzling and full of history but they were also so cold. So frozen and dead. The seldom spark of curiosity and even rarer, the muted light of understanding - true understanding - was not enough. That coldness swirled into warmth and then back into an empty void between them.

It was too late to go back.

“Fascinating,” Marluxia breathed, “that you choose to share yourself like this. Impeccable timing. You really are not subtle at all, are you?”

Xigbar cracked a smile. It pained him that he wanted Marluxia to do _something_ other than look at him like that. “'Fraid not. It's usually all or nothing, Peaches.”

“This is a death sentence,” Marluxia said after another long period of silent inspection. He applied a little pressure to the soft spot and Xigbar tensed up. “Why did you do this? Is it because you thought I would return the gesture?”

_Sort of._

“Do you want me to hurt you so you can pretend to feel justified in your delusions?” Marluxia’s eyes were so intense and Xigbar couldn’t deflect that attention. Is this what Marluxia had to deal with from Xemnas? From Saix? “Or do you want me to hurt you so you can get off on it?”

That pressure grew more and more direct. Marluxia’s palm glowed a subtle pink and Xigbar could feel the tickling of flowering roots poking him. Nuzzling his flesh and pushing into him. Despite his astounding self-control, he grew erect and he refused to acknowledge Marluxia’s overpowering presence. The air became dense and humid and the smell of sweet flowers drowned him.

He’d fucked up.

He should have made better decisions.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Marluxia said, liquified honey dripping from his tongue. “I’m merely going to give you exactly what you deserve because it is always about you, isn't it? What you want from me.” A poisonous pause and a gasp hitched in Xigbar's throat. “How dare you attempt to seduce me like this, like I’m incapable of learning from my mistakes.”

Xigbar shuddered, turned on despite being reprimanded. He really hadn’t learned a thing. _Reprehensible and stupid old man._

Marluxia pulled his hand away, the warmth of that energy disappearing, though there were curled flowers implanted along the fading insignia. The petals uncurled and laid themselves flat against Xigbar’s skin before fading from sight as well. Xigbar took a deep breath.

“I’m confused by what this means,” Xigbar whispered.

Marluxia blinked slowly and looked down at the strained bulge, his lips spreading into a knowing smile. Lustful for only a moment, saddened for even less than a moment. “Xigbar, get out of my room. We will talk later when you’re not still under the influence of Wonderland’s plantlife. Get some rest.”

Xigbar gathered his crumpled clothes. What the hell was that supposed to mean? He wasn’t under the influence of anything! That knowing smile followed him out of the bedroom and into the hallway and Xigbar stood perplexed as Marluxia carefully and quietly closed the door behind him.

**Author's Note:**

> i literally wrote this because i am procrastinating on chapter 7 right now. i don't feel shame at all but i do recognize my flaws.


End file.
